Short Fat and Crazy

I am writing this blog because I cannot write this on my other blogs, people will see it, people will know me and then I will be in trouble or embarrassed or well really I am planning to spill my guts, so mortified.

Cannot have that.

Bear with this first super long post, I want to set the stage.

Short – I am about 5’2″ I used to be almost 5’4” but you know.  Age.

Fat I weight 253 pounds.

I have battled chronic depression with moods swings my entire adult life.

In March I had a horrible stomach virus.  It lingered for days, I will spare you the details, but after 12 days I went to my doctor and my doctor did blood work.

My fasting blood sugar was 157.  No Bueno.  This number screams pre-diabetes to me, I already have high blood pressure, and a family history of heart disease and diabetes, but that number that 157 and another 130 was a slap on the back of the head, wise up sister, your body is telling you something.

I had stopped taking Lexapro, my antidepressant and edge taker offer when I couldn’t hold it down anyway.  One of the side effects is weight gain.  And in the two years since I started taking it, I had gained 63 pounds.  I thought I was fat when I weighed 190.  Now I am really fat.  Part of the weight gain, is a foot, back, foot, back injury and chronic pain in my joints?  Muscle fibers?  Who knows, apparently NO ONE in the medical profession.  But my hands wrists and elbows ache constantly and if I sit for any period of time (driving to work?  I can barely walk after)  Walking should help and I used to walk 20 miles a week and do yoga.  But part of this fabulous pain disorder is that various parts of my body will respond to exercise, running errands in sneakers for example, by swelling up and being unable to move that body part for days.  Fun times. So I will admit, I am fearful of those moments, they kind of interfere with a real life.  So I don’t exercise as much as I should.   In my job, I am on my feet about six hours a day, so I walk about 2-3 miles every day while at work.

Crazy, not lazy, I work hard.  I have battled chronic depression my whole life.  Whole life.  As a bullied teenager, I was depressed and at times suicidal.  I used marijuana, “speed” diet pills? And alcohol.  Not a lot, but it helped.  I have never been good about getting and keeping friends.  In college, I really struggled with this, I was pretty lonely and used drugs and alcohol, and sex to get through my days and nights.

Later I became a single mother and though I raised my amazing daughter more or less alone, with help from family and friends and a marriage that ended and completely and utterly shattered me, she has turned out great.

My craziness plays out like this.  I have mood swings, I am NOT bipolar.  The depression gets low, and I fly off the handle easily, but I don’t stay in either place.  Usually a good nights sleep, some sunshine, and some fun and the depression is gone. I am like a summer thunderstorm, I get pissed, I raise my voice, I am not violent, and when I have expressed my anger, I am done and the sun comes out.  I am easily offended.  I have tried various medications, and have been to a variety of therapists.

So when I decided to stop taking the anti depressant everyone around me was a little upset.

In therapy I said this:  I get that my moods are a bit roller coastery, and I know that the Lexapro takes the top off and the bottom off, but I will be damned if I will be a diabetic because the people around me don’t want to deal with mood swings.  I will take other medication if it is deemed necessary, but right now I have this other health issue that I MUST address, and until I have that in hand, the pills for being moody are on the back burner, and I will be damned if I will inconvenience my body so people are not inconvenienced by me.

Menopause has its advantages.

Oh did I mention?  I am a 48 year old woman, in the throes of menopause too.  Talk about crazy!

I have an appointment with a bariatric doctor and certified dietician next week at a clinic that several people at my work have had success with.  Not for surgery but for healthy changes to my diet, and my body.  My daughter has a nutrition background and has been helping with shopping and recipes, and I have an app that I am using.  That being said I want to chew my damn arm off with hunger every evening.

So this blog is about my journey, my journey dealing with chronic pain, weight loss, mental health issues and aging.

I hope you keep coming back.

 

 

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