That is not to say I did not make and keep friends from college. My best friend of some nearly thirty years is a woman I met my sophomore year, she was the room mate of my other friend who like me was more interested in boys, and had I guessed she would be the friend I spent every spare long weekend with, but not so. I also have a dozen or so Facebook friends from college. But I am not one for many superficial friends, and love that A. welcomes me with a “welcome home” whenever I walk in her door. And she has a son going to school near me and my home will be where he keeps his car and comes for home cooked meals. Like I said, I am not bipolar. I have also had the same job working with children for 17 years.
Yesterday a co worker approached me and said she thought I had lost weight. I hugged her and thanked her, because Thursday night on my way to painting class, I stopped and got a small coffee, after listening to two boys tantruming outside my classroom all day I was exhausted, and I purchased an egg and cheese croissant from Dunkin Donuts. I am not a big fast food eater but the long days from 730-7 pm have altered my eating habits, and the veggies and hummus I had for a snack were yummy but generally by 300 I want to eat my left arm. I could have stopped for a Filet O’Fish and fries, but thought at least the egg has some nutrients. Of course the guilt kicked in just as I was polishing off my last bite.
I got home later to a nice hot pizza, I bought some diet frozen pizzas for just such occasions but at 730 pm I just wanted to have a beer and eat a couple slices.
I had only two small ones, not three, and NO wings. I am getting better. The guilt was palpable. I woke up in the morning thirsty and famished.
The whole “you just need willpower” stuff is not quite so simple. Hunger is a basic instinct, your body telling you that without sustanence you will die. But me, SUPERHERO, I shall deny the basic instinct of my body because I am DIET WOMAN able to deny the pangs of hunger with a single finger waved in the air and my catch phrase, Uh uh UH!
I am a weak fat person. Weak fat and crazy.
I have IBS and am lactose intolerant, but when ice cream is on the menu, these Chobani flips are a nice treat. If I am going to have cramps and be on a toilet for an hour it had better fucking taste good. The 100 calorie version is a disgusting chemical tongue to the roof of the mouth nasty smacking yuckiness. My favorite snack is flaked coconut, almond slivers and chocolate chips. Chobani makes an Almond Coco Loco that is better because the protein rich yogurt is super filling. It is 240 calories though.
I refuse to feel guilty for eating yogurt. Honestly.
As for the co worker telling me I look like I have lost weight through my rib cage. I don’t know. I refuse to weight myself.
Next blog post……