It is such a struggle

So the final amount lost, last time I was at the doctors office was 15 – 18 pounds. Not sure because my mom convinced me to weigh myself at home and it was back up again by that scale like two days later.  I got so angry, I cannot believe I let her talk me into it.  And this is why I don’t weigh myself at home, because I was barely eating anything because I was sick and the medication made me lose my appetite.  The last two weeks I am obsessed with food and am eating way too much, and feeling guilty after eating.  I feel disgusting.  In the mornings I am pretty limited on food, I work in an environment where eating is pretty controlled, cannot leave for lunch so I have to bring my food for the day.  I do okay, but as always once I get home I am hungry and basically cannot stop myself from eating.  I ate three slices of pizza one night.  We had a food festival at work and I ate way too much then went home and had a slice of pizza for dinner.  After 7 or so I snack on pretzels or graham crackers, yesterday I ate Doritos, I had tortilla chips the previous week (made a taco salad thinking it was better than a tortilla and then ate about four servings of chips, one serving on the salad and then ….) And of course it is summer so I ate ice cream twice last week.  And was sleepy one day and needed a coffee to make the drive and bought a muffin too, even though I had had a lite breakfast already.  UGH.   Why am I so weak?

And why don’t I walk anymore?  It was always such a pleasure but I just don’t even want to.  At least if I was walking or doing yoga I would be burning off some of those calories.  I am so exhausted, some days I feel like I am going to fall asleep driving home. Almost every night I fall asleep either by taking a nap or in a chair, and I cannot wake up after.  We had company drop by last night and I could not rouse myself from sleep.  My mom kept harping at me and I had to have a cup of coffee, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

At work I am also tired, I feel like I am walking through sludge all day.  Just wiped out completely.  Is this all part of healing from the bowel infection?  Is it a symptom of not being on medication for depression? PS not depressed, just unbearably tired.


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