Last night, I decided I needed to weigh myself.  I have been struggling so much for two weeks and without a doubt eating too much particularly at the end of the day.  I feel disgusting after I eat anything that is not fresh whole foods.  Like I have sinned horribly, I guess, a guilt that is overwhelming.

I wanted to see how much damage I had done.

The last time I weighed myself was first thing in the morning about two weeks ago and it said 240.  I was devastated because just the day before at the doctor I had weighed 238.  My daughter worked for an eating disorder clinic for about a year and the doctor there, whose philosophy is any lost weight is good, but starvation methods are bad.  (leads to eating disorders) at least this was the message he sent on with my daughter.  Even small incremental changes are okay.

I was expecting to weigh at least 245, mind you it was the end of the day too, so I was really setting myself up for failure.  But I weighed 239.  I cannot tell you how pleased I was, and this morning I feel a renewed sense of hope.  I have to focus on what I am doing right and my day from breakfast until 3pm is easily manageable.  I eat a sensible breakfast, have been having a cheese stick and an apple for a snack, my yogurt, spinach, berry, banana shake for lunch and if I want a snack one of my remaining bars or a small serving size pack of roasted almonds. And lots of water.

I have cut back significantly on drinking alcohol, keeping it to one calorie heavy beer, or a glass or two of wine.  I then have a low calorie lemonade sold at Wegmans mixed half and half with seltzer which is very filling.  It is the snacking after dinner that I am so guilty of, I shouldn’t be eating anything at all.

I am still keeping loose track of my calories on myNetDiary every day.  Dinner is hard to gauge as we eat home cooked foods most nights.  I have been striving for only single small helpings, but my mom has made scalloped potatoes and lasagna, which I have to admit I had seconds of, I did skip the ham and had only one slice of Italian bread.  One day it was cold and I had her make homemade bread too, I had a couple slices with dinner and then toast and jam for breakfast the next day.  I know I shouldn’t be eating bread at all.

Lastly, I have been cutting back in certain areas, due to the realization of calorie count.  At first I had my Multi-grain frozen waffle with butter and syrup.  Now I have it with a spoonful of homemade cherry jam instead. At some point, I will switch to one of the waffles and one sausage, but for now I am having two, otherwise I get to work and I just want to eat everything in sight.  I also am cutting back on my shakes, a chunk of banana instead of a whole one.  And a half cup of non fat plain yogurt and a half cup of water for the base, instead of a whole cup of the yogurt.

I can live with maintenance at this point.  But I am also striving to lose even a pound or two a month.  I have seen the effect of starvation and when the pendulum swings you just want to stuff your face uncontrollably.  I also saw how utterly obsessed I was with food, even still I feel a tremendous amount (unhealthy) of guilt for any slip.

How do you manage your eating after 3pm?  What do you do to help with feeling s of guilt, how do you control the snacking?


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