I started going to a personal trainer yesterday. Half an hour upper body work out. I am not sore today, but I can feel my muscles. Since my experience with the clinical weight loss problem, I have been a hot mess. After being hospitalized with diverticulosis and having another bout of it in the summer, and just generally feeling tired and apathetic and lazy. I am disgusted with myself.
My mom lived with me over the summer for three months, while she waited for her house to close. It was a challenge. And I am suffering from the repercussions. We had several arguments, one that preceded the first hospital visit. My I make a suggestion? No you may not. Well I am going to anyway.
If I asked for time to myself she would criticize me, and shame me.
My fiance said she was pretty hard on me.
People always tell me I am just like my mom.
But people really don’t like my mom.
So I said to my fiance the other day. If people don’t like my mom, and I am just like her, then people must not like me.
This is the circle of my mental thoughts and self esteem. I have withdrawn from hanging out with others for this very reason.
I need to get back to walking and yoga and meditation, but all I can do is withdraw into my Ipad and watch movies and read. No desire to paint, and after my class in SUNY Oswego last year, I realized I am a shit painter anyway. It did not fulfill my needs. And I am hostile and angry and not painting, why waste time and space and money on something that is just going to continue to collect dust.
I am really struggling.
I keep praying for guidance, but it seems like when I do this something terrible happens. I have stopped praying.
I am a mess. A fat. Unloved. Mess.