Still Losing?

After a few days of vacation several large glasses of craft beers of multiple varieties and at least two dinners of wood fired pizza in Burlington VT, I am back to where I was two weeks ago.

Here are some of the important changes I have made.

  1. When you drink, you should drink wine, my best friend drinks vodka with crystal light.
  2. Replace all sweetened and artificially sweetened beverages with water or seltzer or tea.
  3. No more than one small carb per day (couscous about two tablespoons, a small handful of baked light crackers, five or six bow tie pasta pieces, two tablespoons of macaroni salad etc)
  4. Dessert once or twice a week in pre-set serving sizes. (ie ice cream sandwiches are a great example as opposed to a half gallon of ice cream – take one sandwich)
  5. No peanut butter or nut butters at all.
  6. If you are going to eat nuts, and you should from time to time, they are really good for you, I recommend dark chocolate covered ones, this counts as your dessert.
  7. Sleep, sleep, sleep – get an RX for flexeril aka cyclobenzeprene, take it at 7pm every night.
  8. Play with your grandchild, children, dog, students, play!
  9. Appetite suppressants are essential to the process *said the girl who hates medication. I take one in the am, before work, I cannot eat unless I bring in the food at my job.  We don’t have time to go out for lunch. I take two before I head for home.  On weekends I take two in the am and two in the afternoon.
  10. B12 supplements help you feel energetic.
  11. Pizza is my splurge item.  I am allowed pizza once a week, reduce your normal portion.  *Choose your splurge item.  Allow it once a week, aka if you love pasta, have a small portion one a week.  If you love and don’t want to give up tortilla chips and guacamole, eat a small portion once a week. etc. Only one item can be a splurge item.
  12. Allow yourself a day every other week or so, where you don’t think about food.  Eat what you want throughout the day.  And don’t feel guilty for it.

Keep going.  Just keep going.  Do not give up.





I feel pretty, oh so pretty

Several months ago I bought a pair of pants one size larger than the other pants I had from the same designer, but man they were so tight, and I hated wearing them because I was yanking on the waistband all day.

Today they feel awesome, and I have had to pull them up a couple of times.

And earlier this week, I had my secondhand store, second hand black leather jacket, that I could not button two months ago, and I was able to button it.

I am so happy for this.

But more than that I am happy for this diet.  The all bars and all shakes diet was not good for me, because it did not teach me to eat properly and I felt like crap physically the whole time I was on it.  Perhaps the constant loss of potassium was not helping.

I still indulge in pizza once a week, I have to, and dark chocolate chips for dessert each night.  These are indulgences I do not wish to live without.  At the beginning I said, ugh I have to give up coffee, craft beer, pizza, snacking, potatoes, bread, pasta, beans….But I have realized that I can live without most of it.  Especially now that I am eating healthier and not having the joint pain and the bloated feeling.  Although I am sleeping like I haven’t slept in years, literally; I fall asleep at 830-9 and sleep like the dead til 6 and am still tired.

I returned to the coffee, I drink it black so what is the big deal.  I replaced the craft beer with seltzer for now.  And am drinking about 1/4 of a beer when the fiance shares with me.  (He is the best guy!)  And white wine on the weekends.  Once a week I am eating regular pizza, but only a couple slices and no wings.  I had sauteed zucchini, mushrooms and scallions earlier this week instead of mashed potatoes.  I only miss homemade bread and biscuits a little.  I have begun eating beans again, because without them I was not getting enough to go to the bathroom, and now that I am pooping again, I am losing weight more quickly.

The appetite suppressants are a godsend.  Honestly, I hate taking drugs and I hate that I have to use pills, but it helps to get through this difficult phase of LOSING weight if you don’t feel hungry all the time.  I am on my second bottle, and at some point I will cut out the suppressant in the morning and just do evenings and weekends, which is my hardest times for wanting to stuff my face.

And to help with my pizza love, I am making cauliflower crust, and to help with my Mexican food love, I made a delicious sweet potato and oat crust and put beans and homemade salsa on top and a small amount of soy cheese.  Cut it into multiple servings and mmm.  So tasty.  The diet says NO sweet potatoes, but they are so healthy and so filling and so tasty that I decided that it is okay.  as long as I am not eating a whole one every day.  I just used two and shredded them and made basically eight servings worth.

Today I feel pretty.  I mean, I am half a century old, and fat and short and a little crazy, but today, I feel good.


The geese fly in a long line across the sunny spring sky.  In a city where the grey is pervasive and constant, a suggested city for vampires to live in due to our plethora of dark and gloomy days.

I sometimes find myself connecting more to service providers than I do to the people that I call friends.  I get along better with my weight coach than I do with my co workers.  Get along better with my hair dresser than I do with my friends, see her more too.  I like my massage therapist so much I want to invite her to  parties that I plan but never have.  Who would want to come to my stupid “tea” anyway?  I don’t even have enough tea cups.

Why can I talk to these women, but not my friends?  What is the difference?  There is certainly a connection, a weekly or monthly visit for an hour or so.  When I have just openly admitted I would rather be reading.  Or playing my game.

Last night I danced with the baby, while we all played percussion instruments.  I was laughing and playing and singing like a crazy woman.  But I felt happier in that moment than I had all day.  I said to the big guy,  “Its like this is real life and the rest is just pretending.”



I sometimes, maybe all the time, feel like I am not authentic.  Oddly most people would tell you I am deep, that I over share, that I truthful and trustworthy and that I am a genuine person.  So why do I feel inauthentic?

Whenever I would go to the Zen Center, and it was Dokusan, I hated how the bell would ring and everyone would jump up and run as fast as they could.  I hated the bowing and walking backwards out of the room with Roko Osho.  Who the hell does she think she is that I have to bow to her and not turn my back to her.  I hated being told I couldn’t stretch in front of a statue of the Buddha, and that my knee length shorts had to be covered by an ill fitting robe.

When my ex husband and I would go out to a fancy restaurant, I would hear my parents saying “you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”. Surely I didn’t belong.  And this absence of belonging is pervasive in every area of my life.

At work/school, I feel like I have to be a test loving super teacher, when really I hate testing and I am a good teacher, but I hate the confines of the teacher evaluation system.  I want to wear leggings and baggy shirts so I can crawl around on the floor and get paint on my clothes without being worried.

Why do I wear make up anyway?  Who am I trying to impress at this point.  No one even notices.  Least of all my fiance.  And frankly I hated my ex husband for wanting me to dress differently than I did, and my ex boyfriend for calling me stupid fat and ugly, and a lazy slob.  Of which only fat and maybe lazy is true.

I remember my grandparents calling me lazy as a small child.  Presumably because they had a disaster in the basement and I said I was on vacation and went to read my Hardy Boys book or maybe it was Nancy Drew.  And I seriously would rather have my nose in a book, or be painting, or maybe writing than doing just about anything else.  And every time I do housework, it isn’t five minutes before the thing I cleaned is either cluttered or filthy anyway.  (Teen-aged men, dogs, cats, babies, and working man, then me often throwing my belongings when I come in and running to the bathroom, and then recovering from my work persona for the remainder of the day.

When I had my own house, and lived alone, the house was pretty much always clean and tidy though.

But the lawn wasn’t always mowed.  And the garden wasn’t always weeded, and I had this incorrigible habit of sweeping the hair and dirt up and leaving it in a pile because I didn’t want to search for a dustpan.

I would rather have my nose in a book, you see, even when a disaster, like dust bunnies, is waiting to be handled


What is your worth?

Work Desk
This is my desk at work, no matter how many times a day I clean it, it is always a mess. This is one thing I dislike about myself. Why can’t I keep it tidy, basically ever?

I struggle with my feelings of self worth.  This has been an especially bad year for me with this struggle.  My weight, living last spring and summer with my Mom who told me a number of times that I should be ashamed of myself, for being an introvert, for needing time to myself, for getting grumpy when I was sick, and now her being east and her games with my sister and putting me in the middle, and her game with offering money to everyone, but making me pay.  Its all so wearing.  I know first world problems.  I don’t want to be sitting here, fat and on the verge of tears, having nightmares of my ex husband all night and not making it to work on time, and not being prepared, showering in a room instead of a tub, and not having clothes to wear and not being prepared.

I ask on social media, what am I doing right?  What am I doing wrong?  The first step, they tell me is in asking the question, in self reflection.

They tell me I have a good soul, that I am a beautiful person, that I am strong and giving.  And I think of who I am.

I need to start examining these things, and I want to use this blog to do it.  Will you join me on this journey?

What is your self worth?  What is it about yourself that you love?




Week Four

I have been on the Vitamin Med diet for four weeks, I have lost ten pounds.  I am good with that so far, but would love to lose more.

I had a rough week and ate alot of stuff I was not supposed to eat, a loaded baked potato at a church fundraiser on Friday, pizza and beer on Saturday, fried catfish and sweet potato fries on Monday, and a whole box of thin mint Girl Scout cookies from Monday thru Wednesday.  Somehow, I still managed to lose a half a pound.

I am still horribly constipated from this diet, but last night after talking to my coach we discussed returning my beloved breakfast shake.  When I woke up this morning I felt invigorated and ready to hit it hard again.  I know the beans will be the fiber my body needs.

My shake, with 1/4 cup of kidney beans, a huge handful of spinach and 1/2 a banana with a cup of unsweetened almond milk was FUCKING phenomenal.  It tasted so delicious.  I missed it so much.

With the weather warming up, and the general constant feeling of pain in my body all but gone, I am going to start walking again.

I cannot wait, too bad its 10 degrees F. outside.

Short and a little less fat

Wow, so this diet is really working.  I am in shock.  Also I feel so much better.

This diet is the VitaminMed diet.  I have an appetite suppressant twice a day, B12 spray twice a day, and some drops of something (who knows what) before bed.  Yesterday was my second full week on the program so I was given a Lipo something B12 shot.  I know really concerned about what is entering my body here. (NOT)

I have lost 7 pounds!  What?  yeah.

I have cut way back on caffeine and coffee.  I thought it would be hard, but I bought these awesome tea cups and infusers from Tea Forte and some of their pre-made teas.  My favorite is the Cherry, it replaces an evening dessett.  I also am having a selzer at night too to replace beer or wine.  I have had a couple of beers, I will admit and two slices of pizza but for the most part I have remained on the very strict diet.

I eat two servings of fruit a day.  Two or three servings of lean protein and veggies upon veggies.  They provide you with a good recipe book, but since I am a decent cook to begin with I have been okay.

I have had several boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my drawer at work for the duration of the diet and I haven’t even cracked one open!  What?  I know!

I feel amazing.  I have been telling myself for YEARS to drink more herbal tea, and eat more veggies.  And here I am doing it.  Finally.

I also had a thing with pork recently where I had this overwhelming feeling that eating that chunk of pork roast was akin to eating human flesh.  It gagged me horribly.  Even raw chicken has begun to bother me.  My friend who is an advocate against over fished oceans would be upset, but I am eating shrimp a couple times a week and fish one other day.  And so much of this wonderful marinated tofu and tempeh or a boiled egg for most of my proteins.

I am in less pain.  I feel and see that the fat is melting off of me.  I am sleeping better too!  And since this diet is dairy free, no gas and no urgency to use the bathroom.  Although I am not going nearly as often as I would like to be.

I will add more and update as this goes along.

New Year New Diet

I started this diet last week, something new.  It is a Vitamin Med diet with weekly check ins and B12 shots.  Every day I take an appetite suppressant twice a day, two sprays of B12 twice a day, and some drops at bedtime.  Plus Aloe tabs at bedtime if I need them.

The diet is very low calorie with loads of veggies, a couple of fruits a day and some lean proteins.  I am very hungry.  Less hungry today than on the first couple of days.

I am not supposed to eat an legumes, (had some for breakfast two days in a row, day two before an hour of weight lifting, which I have been doing half an hour to an hour each week, depending on my time and the weather), or starches or “sweet veggies” carrots, sweet potatoes, red peppers etc.

I also was cleaning a pork roast about a month ago and became absolutely disgusted, I had this weird feeling of it being like a piece of human flesh, and it turned my stomach so bad, that I have cut back significantly on meat consumption.  So with all the veggies I am eating mostly tofu, tempeh, some fish and chicken.  Although raw chicken is also causing me to cover my mouth and retch.

This diet is also requiring half my body weight in water consumption which after last years visit to the hospital with potassium depletion I said NO to.  I will drink and drink often but over a gallon a day is outrageous.  Yes I am that fat.  Ugh.

I am supposed to eliminate caffeine, specifically coffee, (still drinking one cup a day)  and alcohol okay okay, no beer.  Sigh.

Three weeks of this, then three weeks with more foods added, I do not know what yet though.

Then two weeks of maintenance.

Frankly, this is how I should have been eating all along.  Yes it is a little low on protein and surely low on whole grains.  But I have to admit, my body feels better already on day four.

More….no…..less….confined, less restricted physically, kind of more open on the inside.

We shall see, I pray I don’t end up in the hospital again.

The struggle, the anguish

I started going to a personal trainer yesterday.  Half an hour upper body work out.  I am not sore today, but I can feel my muscles.  Since my experience with the clinical weight loss problem, I have been a hot mess.  After being hospitalized with diverticulosis and having another bout of it in the summer, and just generally feeling tired and apathetic and lazy.  I am disgusted with myself.

My mom lived with me over the summer for three months, while she waited for her house to close.  It was a challenge.  And I am suffering from the repercussions.  We had several arguments, one that preceded the first hospital visit.  My I make a suggestion?  No you may not.  Well I am going to anyway.

If I asked for time to myself she would criticize me, and shame me.

My fiance said she was pretty hard on me.

People always tell me I am just like my mom.

But people really don’t like my mom.

So I said to my fiance the other day.  If people don’t like my mom, and I am just like her, then people must not like me.

This is the circle of my mental thoughts and self esteem.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with others for this very reason.

I need to get back to walking and yoga and meditation, but all I can do is withdraw into my Ipad and watch movies and read.  No desire to paint, and after my class in SUNY Oswego last year, I realized I am a shit painter anyway.  It did not fulfill my needs.  And I am hostile and angry and not painting, why waste time and space and money on something that is just going to continue to collect dust.

I am really struggling.

I keep praying for guidance, but it seems like when I do this something terrible happens.  I have stopped praying.

I am a mess.  A fat. Unloved. Mess.


Last night, I decided I needed to weigh myself.  I have been struggling so much for two weeks and without a doubt eating too much particularly at the end of the day.  I feel disgusting after I eat anything that is not fresh whole foods.  Like I have sinned horribly, I guess, a guilt that is overwhelming.

I wanted to see how much damage I had done.

The last time I weighed myself was first thing in the morning about two weeks ago and it said 240.  I was devastated because just the day before at the doctor I had weighed 238.  My daughter worked for an eating disorder clinic for about a year and the doctor there, whose philosophy is any lost weight is good, but starvation methods are bad.  (leads to eating disorders) at least this was the message he sent on with my daughter.  Even small incremental changes are okay.

I was expecting to weigh at least 245, mind you it was the end of the day too, so I was really setting myself up for failure.  But I weighed 239.  I cannot tell you how pleased I was, and this morning I feel a renewed sense of hope.  I have to focus on what I am doing right and my day from breakfast until 3pm is easily manageable.  I eat a sensible breakfast, have been having a cheese stick and an apple for a snack, my yogurt, spinach, berry, banana shake for lunch and if I want a snack one of my remaining bars or a small serving size pack of roasted almonds. And lots of water.

I have cut back significantly on drinking alcohol, keeping it to one calorie heavy beer, or a glass or two of wine.  I then have a low calorie lemonade sold at Wegmans mixed half and half with seltzer which is very filling.  It is the snacking after dinner that I am so guilty of, I shouldn’t be eating anything at all.

I am still keeping loose track of my calories on myNetDiary every day.  Dinner is hard to gauge as we eat home cooked foods most nights.  I have been striving for only single small helpings, but my mom has made scalloped potatoes and lasagna, which I have to admit I had seconds of, I did skip the ham and had only one slice of Italian bread.  One day it was cold and I had her make homemade bread too, I had a couple slices with dinner and then toast and jam for breakfast the next day.  I know I shouldn’t be eating bread at all.

Lastly, I have been cutting back in certain areas, due to the realization of calorie count.  At first I had my Multi-grain frozen waffle with butter and syrup.  Now I have it with a spoonful of homemade cherry jam instead. At some point, I will switch to one of the waffles and one sausage, but for now I am having two, otherwise I get to work and I just want to eat everything in sight.  I also am cutting back on my shakes, a chunk of banana instead of a whole one.  And a half cup of non fat plain yogurt and a half cup of water for the base, instead of a whole cup of the yogurt.

I can live with maintenance at this point.  But I am also striving to lose even a pound or two a month.  I have seen the effect of starvation and when the pendulum swings you just want to stuff your face uncontrollably.  I also saw how utterly obsessed I was with food, even still I feel a tremendous amount (unhealthy) of guilt for any slip.

How do you manage your eating after 3pm?  What do you do to help with feeling s of guilt, how do you control the snacking?