New Year New Diet

I started this diet last week, something new.  It is a Vitamin Med diet with weekly check ins and B12 shots.  Every day I take an appetite suppressant twice a day, two sprays of B12 twice a day, and some drops at bedtime.  Plus Aloe tabs at bedtime if I need them.

The diet is very low calorie with loads of veggies, a couple of fruits a day and some lean proteins.  I am very hungry.  Less hungry today than on the first couple of days.

I am not supposed to eat an legumes, (had some for breakfast two days in a row, day two before an hour of weight lifting, which I have been doing half an hour to an hour each week, depending on my time and the weather), or starches or “sweet veggies” carrots, sweet potatoes, red peppers etc.

I also was cleaning a pork roast about a month ago and became absolutely disgusted, I had this weird feeling of it being like a piece of human flesh, and it turned my stomach so bad, that I have cut back significantly on meat consumption.  So with all the veggies I am eating mostly tofu, tempeh, some fish and chicken.  Although raw chicken is also causing me to cover my mouth and retch.

This diet is also requiring half my body weight in water consumption which after last years visit to the hospital with potassium depletion I said NO to.  I will drink and drink often but over a gallon a day is outrageous.  Yes I am that fat.  Ugh.

I am supposed to eliminate caffeine, specifically coffee, (still drinking one cup a day)  and alcohol okay okay, no beer.  Sigh.

Three weeks of this, then three weeks with more foods added, I do not know what yet though.

Then two weeks of maintenance.

Frankly, this is how I should have been eating all along.  Yes it is a little low on protein and surely low on whole grains.  But I have to admit, my body feels better already on day four.

More….no…..less….confined, less restricted physically, kind of more open on the inside.

We shall see, I pray I don’t end up in the hospital again.

The struggle, the anguish

I started going to a personal trainer yesterday.  Half an hour upper body work out.  I am not sore today, but I can feel my muscles.  Since my experience with the clinical weight loss problem, I have been a hot mess.  After being hospitalized with diverticulosis and having another bout of it in the summer, and just generally feeling tired and apathetic and lazy.  I am disgusted with myself.

My mom lived with me over the summer for three months, while she waited for her house to close.  It was a challenge.  And I am suffering from the repercussions.  We had several arguments, one that preceded the first hospital visit.  My I make a suggestion?  No you may not.  Well I am going to anyway.

If I asked for time to myself she would criticize me, and shame me.

My fiance said she was pretty hard on me.

People always tell me I am just like my mom.

But people really don’t like my mom.

So I said to my fiance the other day.  If people don’t like my mom, and I am just like her, then people must not like me.

This is the circle of my mental thoughts and self esteem.  I have withdrawn from hanging out with others for this very reason.

I need to get back to walking and yoga and meditation, but all I can do is withdraw into my Ipad and watch movies and read.  No desire to paint, and after my class in SUNY Oswego last year, I realized I am a shit painter anyway.  It did not fulfill my needs.  And I am hostile and angry and not painting, why waste time and space and money on something that is just going to continue to collect dust.

I am really struggling.

I keep praying for guidance, but it seems like when I do this something terrible happens.  I have stopped praying.

I am a mess.  A fat. Unloved. Mess.

Surprise!

Last night, I decided I needed to weigh myself.  I have been struggling so much for two weeks and without a doubt eating too much particularly at the end of the day.  I feel disgusting after I eat anything that is not fresh whole foods.  Like I have sinned horribly, I guess, a guilt that is overwhelming.

I wanted to see how much damage I had done.

The last time I weighed myself was first thing in the morning about two weeks ago and it said 240.  I was devastated because just the day before at the doctor I had weighed 238.  My daughter worked for an eating disorder clinic for about a year and the doctor there, whose philosophy is any lost weight is good, but starvation methods are bad.  (leads to eating disorders) at least this was the message he sent on with my daughter.  Even small incremental changes are okay.

I was expecting to weigh at least 245, mind you it was the end of the day too, so I was really setting myself up for failure.  But I weighed 239.  I cannot tell you how pleased I was, and this morning I feel a renewed sense of hope.  I have to focus on what I am doing right and my day from breakfast until 3pm is easily manageable.  I eat a sensible breakfast, have been having a cheese stick and an apple for a snack, my yogurt, spinach, berry, banana shake for lunch and if I want a snack one of my remaining bars or a small serving size pack of roasted almonds. And lots of water.

I have cut back significantly on drinking alcohol, keeping it to one calorie heavy beer, or a glass or two of wine.  I then have a low calorie lemonade sold at Wegmans mixed half and half with seltzer which is very filling.  It is the snacking after dinner that I am so guilty of, I shouldn’t be eating anything at all.

I am still keeping loose track of my calories on myNetDiary every day.  Dinner is hard to gauge as we eat home cooked foods most nights.  I have been striving for only single small helpings, but my mom has made scalloped potatoes and lasagna, which I have to admit I had seconds of, I did skip the ham and had only one slice of Italian bread.  One day it was cold and I had her make homemade bread too, I had a couple slices with dinner and then toast and jam for breakfast the next day.  I know I shouldn’t be eating bread at all.

Lastly, I have been cutting back in certain areas, due to the realization of calorie count.  At first I had my Multi-grain frozen waffle with butter and syrup.  Now I have it with a spoonful of homemade cherry jam instead. At some point, I will switch to one of the waffles and one sausage, but for now I am having two, otherwise I get to work and I just want to eat everything in sight.  I also am cutting back on my shakes, a chunk of banana instead of a whole one.  And a half cup of non fat plain yogurt and a half cup of water for the base, instead of a whole cup of the yogurt.

I can live with maintenance at this point.  But I am also striving to lose even a pound or two a month.  I have seen the effect of starvation and when the pendulum swings you just want to stuff your face uncontrollably.  I also saw how utterly obsessed I was with food, even still I feel a tremendous amount (unhealthy) of guilt for any slip.

How do you manage your eating after 3pm?  What do you do to help with feeling s of guilt, how do you control the snacking?

It is such a struggle

So the final amount lost, last time I was at the doctors office was 15 – 18 pounds. Not sure because my mom convinced me to weigh myself at home and it was back up again by that scale like two days later.  I got so angry, I cannot believe I let her talk me into it.  And this is why I don’t weigh myself at home, because I was barely eating anything because I was sick and the medication made me lose my appetite.  The last two weeks I am obsessed with food and am eating way too much, and feeling guilty after eating.  I feel disgusting.  In the mornings I am pretty limited on food, I work in an environment where eating is pretty controlled, cannot leave for lunch so I have to bring my food for the day.  I do okay, but as always once I get home I am hungry and basically cannot stop myself from eating.  I ate three slices of pizza one night.  We had a food festival at work and I ate way too much then went home and had a slice of pizza for dinner.  After 7 or so I snack on pretzels or graham crackers, yesterday I ate Doritos, I had tortilla chips the previous week (made a taco salad thinking it was better than a tortilla and then ate about four servings of chips, one serving on the salad and then ….) And of course it is summer so I ate ice cream twice last week.  And was sleepy one day and needed a coffee to make the drive and bought a muffin too, even though I had had a lite breakfast already.  UGH.   Why am I so weak?

And why don’t I walk anymore?  It was always such a pleasure but I just don’t even want to.  At least if I was walking or doing yoga I would be burning off some of those calories.  I am so exhausted, some days I feel like I am going to fall asleep driving home. Almost every night I fall asleep either by taking a nap or in a chair, and I cannot wake up after.  We had company drop by last night and I could not rouse myself from sleep.  My mom kept harping at me and I had to have a cup of coffee, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

At work I am also tired, I feel like I am walking through sludge all day.  Just wiped out completely.  Is this all part of healing from the bowel infection?  Is it a symptom of not being on medication for depression? PS not depressed, just unbearably tired.

a visit to the ER

After being really irritable for a couple days, I decided it was time to go back to the doctor to get medication, and it is a good thing because by the time I got there I was in trouble.  I was nauseous, my fingers were tingling, I felt like I had been hit by a truck my body was aching so badly, I also was shivering uncontrollably on a hot muggy day, my temperature was 102.9 F  After throwing up in the doctor’s office, I was taken to the ER.

It turns out that my potassium was low.  So much for the 1200 calorie medically supervised diet.  Clearly not going to work for me.  (It really is never easy).

Because my body was in so much pain, I didn’t notice the tell tale signs of diverticulitis, an infection of the bowel.  Not because I don’t eat a healthy fiber rich diet, it all goes back to when I had shigella, an intestinal parasite.  My body has never been the same since then, after that is when I was diagnosed with IBS, then a trip to Venezuela and subsequent taking of too much Imodium to get home without pooping my pants, and then not pooping for three weeks, constant back and forth between constipation and diarrhea; my bowels are a mess.

Now I am on a low residue diet (think jello, white bread, and yogurt).  Fun times.  My appetite is poor too, and I haven’t eaten above 1000 calories in several days.  Of course I have been in bed for three.

If you think dieting is all about calories in, calories out, you are sadly quite ignorant.

I have officially lost 13 pounds.

 

 

Today I am crazy

The crazy has kicked in.

First off the food obsession is really hard.  I could not stop thinking about garlic pizza with buffalo chicken topping basically for three days.  I finally got it and then ate three pieces.  I also ate ice cream two days in a row instead of my Flips. I had over 2000 calories yesterday.

My house is disgusting.  Six people sharing a shower, and then four using the rest of the bathroom regularly, it is disgusting.  The dirty wet wash clothes left in the shower are gross.  The floor is filthy, no one is wiping out the sink or wiping off the toilet seat but me, and I have cleaned the toilet every other day and it still smells horrible when I try to use it.  Everyone kicks off their shoes in the doorway and cannot seam to put their shoes on the shelves or trays.  People drink bottled beverages and put them all in one spot, generally the counter or piled high behind the door.No putting the cans and plastics in their bin, the non-returnables in the correct spot and the returnable glass in their spot, just all tossed together, along with cardboard and actually trash (not actually in the trash can!) If a bottle top is removed it is placed on the counter or table.  If pill foils are opened they are left lying on the counter top instead of pivoting left and throwing them away. It is not thrown away until I do it. As for dishes, dirty ones put on the clean dish drying cloth, once sharp knives jammed in the rack ( I wash immediately but cannot always catch this before others use one and cram it in), dinner dishes cleared up but pots and pans left, counters not washed.

When I say something I get clicking tongues, eye rolls, half-assed jobs done or told I need to be on my meds, or that I am over reacting.

This morning I asked my mom to clear some of her stuff off the table half covered end to end.  And she was pissed and angry because I “screamed at her”  I just told her to clear the table off today.  Tom left the house and isn’t answering texts.

I figure it is me.

I am sure I have gained back the weight I have lost.

It makes me sick to think of it.

But also I feel like my needs aren’t being met.

I want the main areas of the house to be tidy and for people to clean up after themselves and for people to respond with “okay” when I say please tidy up your stuff.  I want to not spend my alone/me time cleaning up after others.  I want to be heard with out argument.  I want more time to myself.  Without people jabbering at me.  ie paint in quiet, read in quiet, surf the internet without having to stop to hear someone else read aloud the same memes to me that I am reading on my own feed.

Bedrooms can be messy.  The office is free for my mom to spread across an entire table (“but I am so isolated” – our house is a circle,  entryway, office, kitchen, living room, entryway, office … ).

I am crazy though, and off my meds. And this is how we men are.  And you are screaming at me (not).

I need meds just to be numb to the mess and grunge I am living in.   Then everyone will be happy, I will just accept the state of affairs, and they can do whatever they want without regards to the feelings of others.

End of rant.

 

 

Failing

I have not written because I think I am failing.  I have read about Ancel Keys and the Minnesota starvation study, and realize that even if I do lose weight it won’t matter because my metabolism will slow down from the absence of calories and my body will fight any effort I make, so it will be months of willpower and deprivation, only to put it all back on again later.  Awesome.

Plus no matter what I do I just cannot stick with 1200 calories a day.  It just isn’t enough.  Yesterday I binged all day long.  And felt disgusting.  Here is the crazy coming right up…I didn’t even eat that much.  Just had a shake, a bar, four Triskets and hummus, a Chobani flip, a giant salad with oily olives and artichokes, chickpeas and roasted garlic, two turkey sausages with peppers and mushrooms, a giant bowl of popcorn and two high calorie alcoholic beverages  Yesterday’s calories were like 1800 though.

Today I can already see I will be over, all because I put peanut butter in my shake.  And because at 9 am I have eaten two of my meals and I can tell already that I will not be able to stick to 400 calories after three pm.

I am obsessed with food, predicted by the Minnesota study, which was done during World War 2, prior to this time when politics in our food is such a huge mess, when you are deprived of food you become obsessed with it.  (all your modern day diets neglect to tell you this, and this is in part why people binge and purge and/or put the weight back on.)  I would hazard to guess that because of the dieting industry the vast majority of women in this country have at least a low level eating disorder.

Also in a conversation with my Mom this morning she was telling me that my brother cannot exercise because his rheumatoid arthritis causes so much pain and inflammation after.

Hm.  Arthritis doctor says I don’t have RA but I basically don’t exercise because it causes so much joint pain and inflammation afterwards.

 

I LOST WEIGHT!

Lets talk for a minute about motivation.  When I went in yesterday I was pretty sure I lost weight, I have had this feeling before though.

You go in, you ate like a champ for a week and you get on the scale and boom, oh dear it looks like you gained a hundred pounds. 

Sucker punch to the gut. 

Screw this I quit.

*orders pizza on the way home, eats Chinese food the next night, stops for Chipotle when leftovers have been demolished, following week lost 99 pounds out of the 100 gained the week before.

I was scared going in though because I know that feeling, and I have been sorely disappointed in that scale more than once in my dieting lifetime.  (OMG I have been dieting for 24 out of 48 years.)  This is the emotion that makes me not weigh myself at home anymore.  It makes or breaks the day for me.

I lost four pounds though for a total of 11.  12 since my OB/GYN in October.  And I started my period in the middle of the night so some of that was bloat.  Honestly.  (Do you see what happens in the mind when I weigh myself?  It is a constant struggle to do math, to justify that I didn’t lose more, to make myself feel okay that it was ONLY four pounds in two weeks. Why do I do this?)

YUUUUUSSSSSSS!

My blood pressure is NORMAL 120/64.  That lower number I haven’t seen in 10 years.

I will keep going!  I can do this.

Someone please remind me of this if I ever post that I gained weight.

Please.

Trial and Error

I have tried a number of protein bars and shakes over the last few days.  I have not had my follow up appointment yet with Medical Weight Loss and so am shopping around trying to find an alternative to the OPTIFAST product.

I have tried Quest Bars.  NOT a fan at all of either of the two I have tried.  They are gummy and flavorless, okay well a tad bit of cinnamonish flavor on the cinnamon bun one.  I am already struggling with constipation on this diet, I am sure the Quest bar will make it so I don’t poop for a week.  YUCK.

I am a huge fan of the Pure Protein Bars.  The three flavors I have tried are delicious, great texture, great flavor.  All under two hundred calories, all over 15 grams of protein.  The local box food store has a bulk size and you can buy them by the case in other flavors at Wegman’s Grocery stores.  I am trying their shake product but it has dairy so I don’t think it will work for me.

I also tried the Vega Shake.  Oh MY GOD it is so gross, but vegetarian and so healthy.  Sad trombone, I even put blueberries and yogurt in it, slightly more palatable but holy cow it is nasty.  I may keep buying it though because it is a really healthy choice.

So far my favorite is the OPTIFAST strawberry with strawberries in it, and the EAS whey protein (I know, milk 😦  vanilla which tastes like a cream soda milkshake – ish. My step son just had oral surgery and I gave him some of my EAS shake packets and he said that peanut butter in the chocolate EAS was also a double thumbs up.  Perhaps that dehydrated peanut butter substitute for the fat chick?

Also that no name, no label bar offered at the doctors office that tastes like a Rice Crispie treat.  That was good, the lemon was okay and the s’mores was okay, but didn’t really taste like a s’more.

Willpower

The other night I was hungry and sitting in my chair trying to read my book and I was hungry, really hungry.  I got up and had one of the men take my bike out of the attic, and put air in the tires and I rode my bike for about three miles.  Muscle pain is not bad considering how out of shape I have gotten in the last two years.  I managed all the hills without stopping!  I just had water when I returned home.  Yay me.

The next day at lunch a former co worker came in and plunked toffee chocolate chip muffins down right in front of me.

Oh my God.

And then gave me a bottle of water and said I heard you are on a diet.  How nice.  My co workers suck.

Yesterday was the final critique for my graduate painting class.  Pizza and chocolate frosted chocolate cupcakes.

Two delicious slices of super greasy pizza.  (no cupcakes!)

It tasted incredible.  Incredible!

Still stayed under calories though because those two slices filled me up.  I had two shakes, two slices of pizza and a bar and a yogurt for snacks.

I love pizza and any diet without it will make me unhappy.