It is such a struggle

So the final amount lost, last time I was at the doctors office was 15 – 18 pounds. Not sure because my mom convinced me to weigh myself at home and it was back up again by that scale like two days later.  I got so angry, I cannot believe I let her talk me into it.  And this is why I don’t weigh myself at home, because I was barely eating anything because I was sick and the medication made me lose my appetite.  The last two weeks I am obsessed with food and am eating way too much, and feeling guilty after eating.  I feel disgusting.  In the mornings I am pretty limited on food, I work in an environment where eating is pretty controlled, cannot leave for lunch so I have to bring my food for the day.  I do okay, but as always once I get home I am hungry and basically cannot stop myself from eating.  I ate three slices of pizza one night.  We had a food festival at work and I ate way too much then went home and had a slice of pizza for dinner.  After 7 or so I snack on pretzels or graham crackers, yesterday I ate Doritos, I had tortilla chips the previous week (made a taco salad thinking it was better than a tortilla and then ate about four servings of chips, one serving on the salad and then ….) And of course it is summer so I ate ice cream twice last week.  And was sleepy one day and needed a coffee to make the drive and bought a muffin too, even though I had had a lite breakfast already.  UGH.   Why am I so weak?

And why don’t I walk anymore?  It was always such a pleasure but I just don’t even want to.  At least if I was walking or doing yoga I would be burning off some of those calories.  I am so exhausted, some days I feel like I am going to fall asleep driving home. Almost every night I fall asleep either by taking a nap or in a chair, and I cannot wake up after.  We had company drop by last night and I could not rouse myself from sleep.  My mom kept harping at me and I had to have a cup of coffee, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

At work I am also tired, I feel like I am walking through sludge all day.  Just wiped out completely.  Is this all part of healing from the bowel infection?  Is it a symptom of not being on medication for depression? PS not depressed, just unbearably tired.


a visit to the ER

After being really irritable for a couple days, I decided it was time to go back to the doctor to get medication, and it is a good thing because by the time I got there I was in trouble.  I was nauseous, my fingers were tingling, I felt like I had been hit by a truck my body was aching so badly, I also was shivering uncontrollably on a hot muggy day, my temperature was 102.9 F  After throwing up in the doctor’s office, I was taken to the ER.

It turns out that my potassium was low.  So much for the 1200 calorie medically supervised diet.  Clearly not going to work for me.  (It really is never easy).

Because my body was in so much pain, I didn’t notice the tell tale signs of diverticulitis, an infection of the bowel.  Not because I don’t eat a healthy fiber rich diet, it all goes back to when I had shigella, an intestinal parasite.  My body has never been the same since then, after that is when I was diagnosed with IBS, then a trip to Venezuela and subsequent taking of too much Imodium to get home without pooping my pants, and then not pooping for three weeks, constant back and forth between constipation and diarrhea; my bowels are a mess.

Now I am on a low residue diet (think jello, white bread, and yogurt).  Fun times.  My appetite is poor too, and I haven’t eaten above 1000 calories in several days.  Of course I have been in bed for three.

If you think dieting is all about calories in, calories out, you are sadly quite ignorant.

I have officially lost 13 pounds.



Today I am crazy

The crazy has kicked in.

First off the food obsession is really hard.  I could not stop thinking about garlic pizza with buffalo chicken topping basically for three days.  I finally got it and then ate three pieces.  I also ate ice cream two days in a row instead of my Flips. I had over 2000 calories yesterday.

My house is disgusting.  Six people sharing a shower, and then four using the rest of the bathroom regularly, it is disgusting.  The dirty wet wash clothes left in the shower are gross.  The floor is filthy, no one is wiping out the sink or wiping off the toilet seat but me, and I have cleaned the toilet every other day and it still smells horrible when I try to use it.  Everyone kicks off their shoes in the doorway and cannot seam to put their shoes on the shelves or trays.  People drink bottled beverages and put them all in one spot, generally the counter or piled high behind the door.No putting the cans and plastics in their bin, the non-returnables in the correct spot and the returnable glass in their spot, just all tossed together, along with cardboard and actually trash (not actually in the trash can!) If a bottle top is removed it is placed on the counter or table.  If pill foils are opened they are left lying on the counter top instead of pivoting left and throwing them away. It is not thrown away until I do it. As for dishes, dirty ones put on the clean dish drying cloth, once sharp knives jammed in the rack ( I wash immediately but cannot always catch this before others use one and cram it in), dinner dishes cleared up but pots and pans left, counters not washed.

When I say something I get clicking tongues, eye rolls, half-assed jobs done or told I need to be on my meds, or that I am over reacting.

This morning I asked my mom to clear some of her stuff off the table half covered end to end.  And she was pissed and angry because I “screamed at her”  I just told her to clear the table off today.  Tom left the house and isn’t answering texts.

I figure it is me.

I am sure I have gained back the weight I have lost.

It makes me sick to think of it.

But also I feel like my needs aren’t being met.

I want the main areas of the house to be tidy and for people to clean up after themselves and for people to respond with “okay” when I say please tidy up your stuff.  I want to not spend my alone/me time cleaning up after others.  I want to be heard with out argument.  I want more time to myself.  Without people jabbering at me.  ie paint in quiet, read in quiet, surf the internet without having to stop to hear someone else read aloud the same memes to me that I am reading on my own feed.

Bedrooms can be messy.  The office is free for my mom to spread across an entire table (“but I am so isolated” – our house is a circle,  entryway, office, kitchen, living room, entryway, office … ).

I am crazy though, and off my meds. And this is how we men are.  And you are screaming at me (not).

I need meds just to be numb to the mess and grunge I am living in.   Then everyone will be happy, I will just accept the state of affairs, and they can do whatever they want without regards to the feelings of others.

End of rant.




I have not written because I think I am failing.  I have read about Ancel Keys and the Minnesota starvation study, and realize that even if I do lose weight it won’t matter because my metabolism will slow down from the absence of calories and my body will fight any effort I make, so it will be months of willpower and deprivation, only to put it all back on again later.  Awesome.

Plus no matter what I do I just cannot stick with 1200 calories a day.  It just isn’t enough.  Yesterday I binged all day long.  And felt disgusting.  Here is the crazy coming right up…I didn’t even eat that much.  Just had a shake, a bar, four Triskets and hummus, a Chobani flip, a giant salad with oily olives and artichokes, chickpeas and roasted garlic, two turkey sausages with peppers and mushrooms, a giant bowl of popcorn and two high calorie alcoholic beverages  Yesterday’s calories were like 1800 though.

Today I can already see I will be over, all because I put peanut butter in my shake.  And because at 9 am I have eaten two of my meals and I can tell already that I will not be able to stick to 400 calories after three pm.

I am obsessed with food, predicted by the Minnesota study, which was done during World War 2, prior to this time when politics in our food is such a huge mess, when you are deprived of food you become obsessed with it.  (all your modern day diets neglect to tell you this, and this is in part why people binge and purge and/or put the weight back on.)  I would hazard to guess that because of the dieting industry the vast majority of women in this country have at least a low level eating disorder.

Also in a conversation with my Mom this morning she was telling me that my brother cannot exercise because his rheumatoid arthritis causes so much pain and inflammation after.

Hm.  Arthritis doctor says I don’t have RA but I basically don’t exercise because it causes so much joint pain and inflammation afterwards.



Lets talk for a minute about motivation.  When I went in yesterday I was pretty sure I lost weight, I have had this feeling before though.

You go in, you ate like a champ for a week and you get on the scale and boom, oh dear it looks like you gained a hundred pounds. 

Sucker punch to the gut. 

Screw this I quit.

*orders pizza on the way home, eats Chinese food the next night, stops for Chipotle when leftovers have been demolished, following week lost 99 pounds out of the 100 gained the week before.

I was scared going in though because I know that feeling, and I have been sorely disappointed in that scale more than once in my dieting lifetime.  (OMG I have been dieting for 24 out of 48 years.)  This is the emotion that makes me not weigh myself at home anymore.  It makes or breaks the day for me.

I lost four pounds though for a total of 11.  12 since my OB/GYN in October.  And I started my period in the middle of the night so some of that was bloat.  Honestly.  (Do you see what happens in the mind when I weigh myself?  It is a constant struggle to do math, to justify that I didn’t lose more, to make myself feel okay that it was ONLY four pounds in two weeks. Why do I do this?)


My blood pressure is NORMAL 120/64.  That lower number I haven’t seen in 10 years.

I will keep going!  I can do this.

Someone please remind me of this if I ever post that I gained weight.


Trial and Error

I have tried a number of protein bars and shakes over the last few days.  I have not had my follow up appointment yet with Medical Weight Loss and so am shopping around trying to find an alternative to the OPTIFAST product.

I have tried Quest Bars.  NOT a fan at all of either of the two I have tried.  They are gummy and flavorless, okay well a tad bit of cinnamonish flavor on the cinnamon bun one.  I am already struggling with constipation on this diet, I am sure the Quest bar will make it so I don’t poop for a week.  YUCK.

I am a huge fan of the Pure Protein Bars.  The three flavors I have tried are delicious, great texture, great flavor.  All under two hundred calories, all over 15 grams of protein.  The local box food store has a bulk size and you can buy them by the case in other flavors at Wegman’s Grocery stores.  I am trying their shake product but it has dairy so I don’t think it will work for me.

I also tried the Vega Shake.  Oh MY GOD it is so gross, but vegetarian and so healthy.  Sad trombone, I even put blueberries and yogurt in it, slightly more palatable but holy cow it is nasty.  I may keep buying it though because it is a really healthy choice.

So far my favorite is the OPTIFAST strawberry with strawberries in it, and the EAS whey protein (I know, milk 😦  vanilla which tastes like a cream soda milkshake – ish. My step son just had oral surgery and I gave him some of my EAS shake packets and he said that peanut butter in the chocolate EAS was also a double thumbs up.  Perhaps that dehydrated peanut butter substitute for the fat chick?

Also that no name, no label bar offered at the doctors office that tastes like a Rice Crispie treat.  That was good, the lemon was okay and the s’mores was okay, but didn’t really taste like a s’more.


The other night I was hungry and sitting in my chair trying to read my book and I was hungry, really hungry.  I got up and had one of the men take my bike out of the attic, and put air in the tires and I rode my bike for about three miles.  Muscle pain is not bad considering how out of shape I have gotten in the last two years.  I managed all the hills without stopping!  I just had water when I returned home.  Yay me.

The next day at lunch a former co worker came in and plunked toffee chocolate chip muffins down right in front of me.

Oh my God.

And then gave me a bottle of water and said I heard you are on a diet.  How nice.  My co workers suck.

Yesterday was the final critique for my graduate painting class.  Pizza and chocolate frosted chocolate cupcakes.

Two delicious slices of super greasy pizza.  (no cupcakes!)

It tasted incredible.  Incredible!

Still stayed under calories though because those two slices filled me up.  I had two shakes, two slices of pizza and a bar and a yogurt for snacks.

I love pizza and any diet without it will make me unhappy.

Still playing with the diet


I have tried all Optifast three days in a row now and by the end of the day I just cannot wait to eat, actually I am eating half an hour and half an hour earlier all day long because I am so hungry, and even if I eat only the Optifast product and boiled eggs I cannot get enough protein to reach 123 grams.  I cannot make it above 90 most days.

Today I am back to adding spinach and berries to my morning shake and a piece of avocado and using the EAS whey protein shake which has 30 grams of protein in it.

I also am reading some articles saying if you cannot live with it for the rest of your life it isn’t going to work.  And another book that says if you just don’t eat dairy and fill up on veggies and beans.  I was told no beans, too high in carbs at my doctors.  Is it confusing?  You bet it is!

The thing is I felt less tired and felt healthier with the diet my daughter had me on.

Yogurt and fruit and veggie shake for breakfast (no powders) a sensible lunch with a protein, high fiber starch (buckwheat noodles) and half veggies.  And a sensible dinner with a flip for dessert.  And I wasn’t as hungry.  I wonder if I can do that and then snack on bars and protein shakes.  For example eat my shake in the morning.  Have a bar at 9.  Eat my sensible lunch.  Have a shake for a snack.  Have a sensible dinner and for dessert have either a bar, a shake or a flip.  It seems to make more sense as far as longevity of the diet!   It makes more sense to me also as a person who is a whole food eater.  I really am having a very hard time telling myself all this prepackaged shit is better for me than a can of beans, edamame, soba noodles, loads of vegetables and smaller portions of real food.

Positive Reinforcement

I am still trying to wrap my head around the negativity of my work team with my weight loss journey.  I asked advice on how to handle it from my women’s group and from a friend who lost a great deal of weight and got fit a few years ago.  I want to quote my woman friend:

“People who don’t have pain simply see ‘fat lazy person’ and anything you say will just be heard as ‘fat person making excuse’.  Trust me.  I know.  The only thing  you can do is block them out completely and keep doing what you are doing on your own terms, at your own pace, within your own comfort zone.  You can do it.  I’m right here with you, hurting and struggling and blocking out the folks who have no idea what it’s like to hurt.  You’ve got this.  Let it wash over you as total ignorance and don’t let it get you down.”

I want to post this everywhere.  The good thing is, that the TEAM got me thinking about swimming as an exercise.  And about maybe trying to figure out once and for all what the heck is going on with this pain disorder thing. Doctors in the US are very lazy, if it isn’t found on a blood test or with an X-ray they shrug their shoulders and give you drugs.

I am also considering leaving the bariatric doctor practice, and using the money to pay for a gym membership at the local YMCA.  I spoke at length with the woman from my school who has lost 40 pounds in a year.  She has had potatoes on Thanksgiving, and a small piece of lasagna and a part of a cannoli on Mother’s Day, and otherwise only drinks the shakes, eats the bars, and eats a lean protein and steamed vegetables once a day.  The OPTIFAST product is expensive, is not the best tasting, and I can get better options at the local big package store.  If I do a modification to the diet, as I have been with a glass of almond milk added once a day, a handful of spinach and some berries another part of the day, and sensible food at night in small portions I think I can do it alone.  I have not made a decision yet.  I meet with the doctor next week and then the nutritionist again in June.  After that, choice time.

What do you think?  Any positive advice?

Everybody Knows BEST

I should not be sharing information about my weight loss journey with some people, because everyone else knows what is best for me.

I am working with a doctor of bariatric medicine, a successful one, a certified dietician, the real deal.  And hopefully soon an exercise physiologist who specifically works with the obese.  Oh and a cognitive behavioral therapist ( mental health professional).

But apparently two elementary school gym teachers and an overweight woman who runs in the summer and is married to a sports physical therapist know better.

You have to exercise to lose weight, calories in calories out, what are you eating? Sneer.  Ok my co workers are asses.

It hurts when you exercise they say.  Um okay I say I used to walk 20 miles a week and do yoga twice a week, before that aerobics videos an hour a day, after that repairing my house six hours a day all summer, before all of it hiking in the Adirondacks, I know exercise hurts.

when I exercise now, my joints ache, not my muscles, my joints.

I look online for a water aerobics class.  I love swimming.

I am irritated though because they are hypercritical of this whole effort.

From now on I will be silent.  Screw them.  But really what do I say?  Help!?