Still playing with the diet

I have tried all Optifast three days in a row now and by the end of the day I just cannot wait to eat, actually I am eating half an hour and half an hour earlier all day long because I am so hungry, and even if I eat only the Optifast product and boiled eggs I cannot get enough protein to reach 123 grams.  I cannot make it above 90 most days.

Today I am back to adding spinach and berries to my morning shake and a piece of avocado and using the EAS whey protein shake which has 30 grams of protein in it.

I also am reading some articles saying if you cannot live with it for the rest of your life it isn’t going to work.  And another book that says if you just don’t eat dairy and fill up on veggies and beans.  I was told no beans, too high in carbs at my doctors.  Is it confusing?  You bet it is!

The thing is I felt less tired and felt healthier with the diet my daughter had me on.

Yogurt and fruit and veggie shake for breakfast (no powders) a sensible lunch with a protein, high fiber starch (buckwheat noodles) and half veggies.  And a sensible dinner with a flip for dessert.  And I wasn’t as hungry.  I wonder if I can do that and then snack on bars and protein shakes.  For example eat my shake in the morning.  Have a bar at 9.  Eat my sensible lunch.  Have a shake for a snack.  Have a sensible dinner and for dessert have either a bar, a shake or a flip.  It seems to make more sense as far as longevity of the diet!   It makes more sense to me also as a person who is a whole food eater.  I really am having a very hard time telling myself all this prepackaged shit is better for me than a can of beans, edamame, soba noodles, loads of vegetables and smaller portions of real food.

Positive Reinforcement

I am still trying to wrap my head around the negativity of my work team with my weight loss journey.  I asked advice on how to handle it from my women’s group and from a friend who lost a great deal of weight and got fit a few years ago.  I want to quote my woman friend:

“People who don’t have pain simply see ‘fat lazy person’ and anything you say will just be heard as ‘fat person making excuse’.  Trust me.  I know.  The only thing  you can do is block them out completely and keep doing what you are doing on your own terms, at your own pace, within your own comfort zone.  You can do it.  I’m right here with you, hurting and struggling and blocking out the folks who have no idea what it’s like to hurt.  You’ve got this.  Let it wash over you as total ignorance and don’t let it get you down.”

I want to post this everywhere.  The good thing is, that the TEAM got me thinking about swimming as an exercise.  And about maybe trying to figure out once and for all what the heck is going on with this pain disorder thing. Doctors in the US are very lazy, if it isn’t found on a blood test or with an X-ray they shrug their shoulders and give you drugs.

I am also considering leaving the bariatric doctor practice, and using the money to pay for a gym membership at the local YMCA.  I spoke at length with the woman from my school who has lost 40 pounds in a year.  She has had potatoes on Thanksgiving, and a small piece of lasagna and a part of a cannoli on Mother’s Day, and otherwise only drinks the shakes, eats the bars, and eats a lean protein and steamed vegetables once a day.  The OPTIFAST product is expensive, is not the best tasting, and I can get better options at the local big package store.  If I do a modification to the diet, as I have been with a glass of almond milk added once a day, a handful of spinach and some berries another part of the day, and sensible food at night in small portions I think I can do it alone.  I have not made a decision yet.  I meet with the doctor next week and then the nutritionist again in June.  After that, choice time.

What do you think?  Any positive advice?

Everybody Knows BEST

I should not be sharing information about my weight loss journey with some people, because everyone else knows what is best for me.

I am working with a doctor of bariatric medicine, a successful one, a certified dietician, the real deal.  And hopefully soon an exercise physiologist who specifically works with the obese.  Oh and a cognitive behavioral therapist ( mental health professional).

But apparently two elementary school gym teachers and an overweight woman who runs in the summer and is married to a sports physical therapist know better.

You have to exercise to lose weight, calories in calories out, what are you eating? Sneer.  Ok my co workers are asses.

It hurts when you exercise they say.  Um okay I say I used to walk 20 miles a week and do yoga twice a week, before that aerobics videos an hour a day, after that repairing my house six hours a day all summer, before all of it hiking in the Adirondacks, I know exercise hurts.

when I exercise now, my joints ache, not my muscles, my joints.

I look online for a water aerobics class.  I love swimming.

I am irritated though because they are hypercritical of this whole effort.

From now on I will be silent.  Screw them.  But really what do I say?  Help!?

 

It ain’t easy

Last night, after class, I was so hungry.  I had Scrambled two eggs  in a little olive oil, two slices of deli ham, a slice of Swiss cheese and a half cup of fresh asparagus and made an omelet.  It was delicious.  I was still hungry after and decided to have a Chobani flip after I had a large cup of chamomile tea.  But only if I still wanted it.  That help because by the time I finished my tea it was 9 o’clock and I didn’t want to eat that close to bed time.  The omelet put me over my calorie limit by 200 calories.  And I ate very little.

This is hard.

The naturally thin people I know are saying this diet is starvation, and I need to just work out more.  But due to chronic pain, working out is just not an option for me.  I know I could have had one egg or one slice of ham, but to be honest I was so hungry I just had to eat a decent meal or else I would be picking at something unhealthy later.

So much for willpower, today one of my troubled students brought me a muffin for Mother’s Day.  I ate the top off and threw the rest away.  I am regretting it already.

I have a question.  Why do naturally thin people say fat people are lazy, eat too much fast food, have no willpower, and tell us how easy it is to lose weight, if we would only just try?

Why is it the diet industry is constantly giving us conflicting information about what it takes to lose weight?  And then why is it so hard to maintain weight loss?

The nutritionist told me that eggs are really good for you and to go ahead and eat them as a protein source.

Did you know that it was a vegan who started this movement of eggs are bad for you? And that the best and most nutritious part of the egg is the yoke?  And eggs are not bad for you at all?  I knew this, and told the nutritionist this, she said, and I agree, the food industry is all about politics.  Eating dairy and eating meat are also policial, because the beef and dairy industry are all involved in telling the FDA what to include on the food pyramid.

Do you think that all this misinformation, and failure to report factual information (i.e. Six years ago I read in a dietetics magazine that once you have fat cells in your body, and lose weight the fat cells then become like sponges, and absorb whatever you take in, and that maintaining and not gaining is more difficult because of this?) is all a slick way for various industries to keep earning money, from our struggles, from our ignorance?

 

 

Meeting with the Nutritionist

It turns out I am not the only one who is less than satisfied with the OPTIFAST bars.  I guess some people like specific ones and others do not like those but like others.  I am not alone. I do like the chocolate one it feels like a treat, fudgy and yummy.  The peanut butter one is okay ish.  The berry one is just gross. IMO

The doctor of the weight loss clinic has another product that I will be sampling over the next couple of days.

The Fluffy Vanilla Crisp one is the first one I have tried and it tastes very much like a Kellogg’s Rice Crispie Treat.  Very good!

Last night though I was pretty lost, way too much math coming out of that nutritionist, because math for me, requires a calculator and a computer.  What I got out of it is this high protein (123 grams a day) low fat (but good fat when I do eat it) low carb diet.  I will be doing a modified diet with the possibility of replacing one shake in the morning with a high protein breakfast, and eating a high protein vegetable rich dinner and snack if I need it (I tend to be in bed my 9 so in that case I won’t need it).  I feel much better about it this morning.  I will probably not stay long at the clinic though, because holy crap it is EXPENSIVE.  My classroom neighbor and divorce sister (we went through ours at the same time, in a school of women who have been married for 20-30-40 years) and friend, is doing Shakeology and we are looking at ATKINS shakes (too much sodium) and EAS Whey shakes (lower in calorie and higher in protein than the OPTIFAST product).  This is to at least save on cost of the product, to try and find a flavor I like, and can live with, and to possibly wean myself from dependence on the clinic.

I can see myself living with a diet like this for a while, and eventually changing over to healthier choices.  Tommy (my honey) had hot dogs and TOTS for dinner last night and I didn’t even eat one!  (I love tots!!)

I have an air popper for the microwave, a bowl with a lid that allows you to pop the kind of popcorn that comes unseasoned in a bag or jar, I had a bowl of popcorn with a tablespoon of butter and some sea salt.  It was delicious, and between the dogs and I, I ate every bite, but I felt so guilty because once again I was over that 12oo calorie mark.

I wonder if anyone else feels guilty for eating what is essentially a decent food choice?  How do you let that guilt go?  What do you do with that ugly feeling?

 

 

I cannot keep track of these days.

I don’t love the OPTIFAST products, and I am having a very difficult time with eating them.  I am also struggling hard to stay within my 1200 calorie goal.

Previously I was eating 21-2300 calories a day.  In March I brought it down to about 1700, this OPTIFAST and medically supervised plan says 1200.  I am over by a hundred points nearly every day.

I have this notion that fresh food is healthy food, and pre packaged food is not healthy food.  This belief is, without a doubt, causing me problems.

I find it hard to believe that an OPTIFAST shake is better for me than a banana, spinach, avocado  and non fat Greek yogurt one.  That adding water to the strawberry one is best when I want to have a cup of unsweetened almond milk and four strawberries just to make it palatable.  And I am already dreaming of a tablespoon of peanut butter in the chocolate one to make it semi edible.

In my mind I am saying these foods added to the shakes are making it healthier.  And without the addition of fresh fruit and vegetables they are less healthy.

Also why are we still saying that a LOW FAT diet is best for us?  Why are we saying that a few seeds, nuts and avocado in our food is bad?   I thought we decided about 10 years ago that this is actual what is making so many American woman fat, is NOT eating enough of it?

I meet with the nutritionist today and we have to have this conversation.  About my mental block with fresh foods, and about not having fat in my diet at all.

I think about food all the time.

 

Bitchy Neophyte

Did I really just commit to only eating 1200 calories a day?  Day Two was a failure.

Two hundred calories ever 2.5 to three hours.  I thought it was two to two and a half, by noon I had eaten more than 600 calories.   A spinach, blackberry, banana, and almond milk shake.  An OPTIFAST berry yogurt bar and a fake meat chicken patty with a slice of cheese on top.  Next time no cheese.

Anyone who tells you it is all about willpower should have a fist punched into their open mouth while they are sitting there eating something substantial.  Here is your will power, suck it.  In fact I will pick up my fork and take some of their food chew it up real good, say this is willpower you MOTHER of  beautiful children, and open my mouth.

I worked painting all afternoon and skipped my mid day snack.  Thank goodness because a cube steak and a half and about a cup of couscous is like 600 calories.

I am not supposed to be getting any of my calories from alcohol, I had about 3 oz of red wine mixed with sparkling water.  And then I had another 5 oz of wine with sparkling water chaser.

It’s better that way trust me.

The neighbor brought over some kick ass potato salad and roasted corn, it was so yummy, I ate about a 1/4 to 1/2 cup of it.

I had/have a miserable headache and feel like a lump of sodden clay this morning.

I only drank about half of the 64 oz of water I am supposed to be drinking.  That’s a gallon plus shakes and coffee.  A gallon.

The shakes make my mouth taste like ass.  I had the strawberry one this morning.  I put a half cup of almond milk and five strawberries in it along with a cup of water.

Thats 250 calories boom.  Gone.

I suspect I will have a very hard time NOT supplementing with spinach, berries and some unsweetened almond milk from time to.time.  Just for flavor.  Or to mask the flavor.

Not every diet day is cheerful.

But I will leave it on this note.   I did walk with the dog back to where the inlet blocks the path.  About a mile altogether, not a strenuous walk by all means, but the trillium were blooming, and the trout lily on the verge of blooming, and the cowslips trying to eek out an existence on the muddy path which was once beaver swamp. And the dog ran circles around me with joy.  Off leash the whole time because the owner has given me permission and she is finally minding me after three years of training.

Day 1

This  morning I attended my first appointment for medical weight loss.  My blood pressure was down even more than the other day 130/76 which is absolutely fantastic for me.  My weight was down too another three pounds, different scale so I supposed the standard deviation is possible.

But holy crap I am a fat little thing.

My metabolic rate was taken by breathing into a thing for ten minutes.  Apparently it is 1600 and some change and should be 1700 and some change.

Slow metabolism.  I said I knew it was so.  The nurse said that from time to time people come in and are shocked to discover that they do NOT have a sluggish metabolism

We discussed my options and I think I will be going on the whole meal replacement Optifast plan.  At least to kick start my metabolism.  So shakes and bars here I come, and not the shakes from too much coffee and a bar where I can get a draft beer.

And I have to stop drinking for a while.

Which is worse being a diabetic or giving up booze.  I will have to get back  to you on this.  I think giving up booze will really suck.

Hopefully by the end of June I will go to one home cooked meal a day.  And by the end of summer perhaps go to Real Food during the day and Optifast in the evenings.  Because I eat like a beast after four most days.

But I have to do this.

I really cannot be this big anymore.

I recall one time my grandfather who was a diabetic, had given himself too much insulin in the morning.  We were about to sit down to dinner, and he started grabbing food from everyone’s plates and out of the serving dishes as his body lost its self control and he needed food, this was utterly out of character for him to not be sitting at the table eating until after we said grace.  I remember someone had a tea bag squeezed out on a plate, and he picked it up trying to eat that too, and it had to be taken out of his mouth before he ate it.

I never EVER want to be a diabetic.

So here we go.

Fun times ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

A miracle has happened

Breakfast of Champions plus coffee

Yesterday I went to the OB/GYN for of all things an itchy nipple.  Itchy nipples are annoying for three reasons, one because it’s extremely difficult to scratch logistically and two because it is very difficult to scratch in polite company, three because it itches.  A lot.  Even in my dreams.  My NP is a certified herbalist too, I love that I can tell her I am using my homemade comfrey, calendula and plantain salve and she says, good,  good keep using it.  And that I am switching from my long long use of bee and flower sandlewood soap to a calendula and chamomile soap for mature skin.

All good she says.  And use some hydrocortisone cream too.

This blog is about fat though right?

Since my annual checkup in October, I have lost ten pounds.  If her scale is consistent with my PCP I have lost five since my 157 fasting blood sugar in March.

What are you doing differently?  Asks the intake nurse who weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet before pooping.  What is it even like having that magic number?

It is hard to say, drinking spinach shakes for breakfast along with my Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar with “The Mother” and honey.  Munching on Rice cakes, boiled eggs, raw veggies and hummus and Chobani Flips yogurt, switching from Porters and Stouts to red and white wine, eating my hamburgers with lettuce instead of a bun, eating diet frozen pizza (sigh), skipping the three hot wing knuckles (sigh).

I don’t tell her all of this of course but just a couple things.

And you aren’t even hungry!  She says.

No not at all.

What are you here for? She asks.

Well I have chewed half of my left arm off, which explains the ten pound weight loss.

Itchy nipple, I reply aloud.

And my blood pressure is down too, even more miraculous because I have managed to consume two and a half American cups of coffee this morning.

In Venezuela a few years ago I couldn’t get a cup larger than a Dixie cup, that is when you realize how super size our portions are.

I am thrilled by both, but my hopes are in the toilet.

It won’t last, it never does.

Just keep moving, says my third cousin twice removed, on Facebook.

That is another story altogether.

Why I no longer weigh myself Part II

The number you are on the scale is the number you go by.

The least amount you weigh on any given day is the amount you weigh no matter what.  Even if you have been going out both ends with a stomach virus, you weigh yourself.  Yes.

So the next time a medical professional asks you you can tell them.

I weigh the magic number.

I am worthy.  I am not disgusting in the eyes of men.  I am not repulsive in the eyes of culture and society.  I am still wearing fat clothes though.  Do these people want my money?  Could they make something attractive in my size?

But then there is the day where you have exercised like a beast for days, have lived on twigs and sticks, and lettuce and haven’t touched fruit, or sweets or pasta or bread for days and you get on the scale and the magic number is now:

Magic number = x where x is < the number on the scale.  An ounce less, a pound less, five pounds less, a dozen pounds less.

Sad trombone, screaming monkeys, witch laugh, sobbing babies, critical screeching while you crouch in a corner.

You have failed to lose weight despite your best efforts, in fact you have now gained weight.

This moment is the worst moment of your life.

And then I say fuck this, I am going to the store and I am buying pop tarts, Oreos, Creme horns and Eating a giant plate of pasta with garlic bread.

And a week later – magic number is somehow back.

This is why I do not weigh myself.

I have been eating relatively well for a month.

I suspect I will have gained weight when I go to the doctors this morning.

It is inevitable.